Am happy...

Hello to anyone who is still out there...I am writing this really for myself more than anything at this point.

I officially closed on the re-finance of my house a few minutes ago as the sole owner!!!!! Words really can't describe how I feel right now. I am so amazingly happy with how things in my life have turned out. Looking back, I feel so truly blessed to have gone through the tough times that I did because so much good has come out of it.

On March 19th, I wrote the following:

"Right now, I seem to be in limbo, stuck desperately wanting to move forward, but very much mired in the little things that I still have to somehow clean up from what went wrong. It's crazy how swinging by a place that was your home a week ago to get a coat can trigger such a wave of emotion and seemingly throw you right back into a place you refuse to let yourself go. No one said this would be easy I suppose.

In moments like these you want to make your situation the cataclysmic event of world history because it feels so consuming...One thing that has helped me is to take a step back, look at the lives of my friends and families. I can always point out moments in their lives where their situation must of felt as sad and overwhelming as mine. From there I look at how amazing their lives have turned out in the present tense and feel a great deal of motivation and a sense of duty to keep my head up and push through this until I get to the good point I know is waiting for me."

I'm at that good point and so amazingly lucky....

"It's been a brilliant journey of self-awakening."

Thanks to everyone out there for the thoughts, kind words of encouragement and friendship; I love you all.

Justin

A poem I just read and really liked, ideals we can all strive to live by I would think...

"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!" -- Kipling

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

Hey there, short update on everything!

1. I am back in my house, this time it will likely be for good and I couldn't be happier. The existence I was living was really wearing on me even though I did not know it at the time. It was cluttering up my life at work and my life with friends and family. It's so nice to be here and being able to focus on the things that are important in my life.
   
2. I got a promotion at work to Sales Manager, a job which I had been working for and wanting for a very long time. I started Monday and feel very energized and happy with everything so far. It's a great challenge for me, but one I am up for. I have never wanted to succeed more in a role than this one.
   
3. I have continued my volunteer work, both with the kids and hospice. On the kids front, it's really been neat to see them open up and trust me more and more. Hopefully I am making the impact on them that they make on me! I have taken on more work with Harbor Hospice, calling on the patients and families twice per week now to see how they are doing.
   

I love you all and hope everyone is well!

Justin

Move along, little Justin!

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." This quote sums things up quite well for me. I have been keeping very busy lately with exploring this beautiful city that most of us call home. As promised, went to the greenbelt Saturday and I must say that I am truly a schmuck for not doing that before. I will go a ton more now, only promise to bring a swimsuit the next time, it was torture to not be able to jump in. Oh well, another lesson learned.

As for this week, I have been working out really hard in the gym; my personal goal is to gain 12-15 lbs of healthy weight as fast as I can. So, now I get to fight my crazy metabolism in a winner take all control for my body.

Tomorrow I have my 4th counseling session which I am really looking forward to as always. I haven't been since before Spain so I am sure we will have a ton to talk about. I feel like I have 'built' myself on a solid foundation as I move forward which will allow me to continue to allow me to become the man I know I can be. I also still have a long way to go, one day at a time. That reminds me...I made it a personal goal yesterday to, no matter what, make at least one person's life better each day. It may sound like an odd goal, but if you break it down it really isn't. Whether it is helping kids where I volunteer on a Thursday or calling a family member that I haven't talked to in a while to tell them I love them, it can be a very simple but meaningful way to make this a better place for those I care about!

Well, time for me to head to bed now. I am moving back out of my house for a while to let the ex finish her transition to wherever it is she is going. I don't mind really, I can sleep/exist pretty much anywhere, but I am starting to look forward to having the house back full time. I get to make a kick ass life for myself here and I can't wait. Check my yard out after I mowed it tonight!

Not much to add

Other than the after school volunteer work was awesome! We played games teaching a group of 5-8 year old kids bible verses and then played basketball. One of the shy kids who couldn't have been much older than 4 would not talk to me but then came up to me in the middle of the basketball game with a football and asked me to play catch with him. Might not seem like much on the surface, but the next twenty minutes of playing catch with Danny were probably the best twenty minutes of my week.

Thanks to Kevin for hooking me up with this opportunity, I can't wait for next week!

Love,

Justin

My 'Austin Bucket List'

“We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started... and know the place for the first time.”

One of the main takeaways from my trip to Spain was how cool it was to allow myself to just explore a new place with no agenda, rules or schedule. I found so many amazing places and met so many amazing people this way that I got to thinking my last night there while talking to Kyle that I never really allowed myself to live like that in Austin. I have always been someone who likes to stick to the same routine, with the same people and fully live within what I 'know'. It really hit me that I live in an one of the best cities and I barely know anything about it....

So...with the help of a good friend who had a similar experience as me a few years ago, I am creating my own list of 'cant miss' places and events to take in. Starting with a nice hike yesterday after work around Bull Creek...



Carrying over to this weekend where I am spending Saturday on the lake and spending Sunday with a group of friends here at Sculpture Falls:



• Hike Wild Basin (it's off of 360- a mile or 3 north of Bee Caves road.)
• Green Belt swimming
o Sculpture Falls
o Twin Falls
o Campbell's Hole
• Blues on the Green
• Unplugged at the Grove
• Take Belle swimming to the Red Bud Isle dog park
• Visit all local breweries
• Attend Eeyore's Birthday
• REK at Gruene Hall

"IN"

I'll be sure to update everyone on my volunteer work tomorrow evening as I am spending my time mentoring underprivileged children in east Austin to try and help provide strong, male role models in their lives. From what I have heard, I think I will really enjoy this opportunity.

Lastly, Troy's birthday is this Saturday, please keep Wayne, Susan, Sara and Chris in your thoughts and prayers. I plan on visiting his grave Saturday morning and will send some good thoughts upwards for everyone!

Love,

Justin

Love life and life will love you back

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

Had my first hospice visit on Saturday and needless to say it was pretty tough. I am a pretty strong person, but I caught myself getting choked up a few times. On the ride back it really hit me how precious our lives really are. I thought about the patient, losing my best friend and my grandfather who is in bad health and it became a little overwhelming. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am very blessed to have all the relationships I do with my friends and family. I hope you all know how much I love you and care about the lives we have built together. I am pretty good at telling y’all just how much you mean to me, but I wanted you to hear it again. My patient had a wall full of amazing pictures from her life and I know she is as blessed as I am; through it all, I am a lucky man….

I also had a BBQ Saturday night (The 1st Annual Justin Manning Freedom Festival) which was a resounding success. My house really works well for a get together like that. Amazing friends make for an awesome time, thanks to everyone who came out. As if that wasn’t enough, I spent all of Sunday on the lake with friends. Old Justin would have went to the baseball game, but new Justin decided to go meet new people on the lake and it was 100% worth it.

This week it is back to the gym, hiking the greenbelt and working hard!

All my love,

Justin

"It is not so much our friends' help that helps us as the confident knowledge that they will help us."

Very excited for today for a number of reasons. First, I am going to Wimberley in a little bit to visit my first patient for hospice. Honestly, I am a bit nervous, but not ashamed to admit that. I know what I have to offer and I truly believe I can help out. It would be a shame to waste that feeling due to fear!

We are having a big BBQ over at my place tonight with a ton of my good friends and co-workers. It's always nice to surround yourself with the people who always have your back and can make you smile in the worst of times.

On a somber note, our friend Cheryl's grandmother passed away. I have always heard so many funny stories from her and Taylor. It is sad to see a good person leave us. Here is her obituary:

http://www.fbherald.com/articles/2010/04/23/obituaries/doc4bd1c53db1ac5722875384.txt

Hang in there Cheryl and let me know if you need anything...

Thanks for reading, all my love!

Justin

(shameless plug for my favorite picture of me from Spain)

Back in the good ole USA

Sitting on the plane flying over Nova Scotia right now making my way back to NYC then to Austin. I'm pretty wiped out from the past 8 days to say the least! I land tonight in Austin, wash clothes and pack tomorrow for an 8am flight to San Francisco for four days... I'm excited, it will be great to get back into the work swing of things!

Yesterday was my last day in Barcelona, I suppose it would be hard for me to verbalize all the emotions I feel right now. Kyle and I walked around the city all day yesterday with a stop at the beach in between. Tough day! One thing that stood out for me was when the day was winding down we went deep into the Gothic barrio and found one of the most amazing restaurants I've ever been to. Authentic Tapas, great Spanish wine and 3 hours of amazing conversation later all I could keep saying was "my cup runneth over." We get lost in a small Spanish courtyard and end up having one of the best nights of my life. How's that for a metaphor which describes my life! One thing that really struck me that Kyle said was when he brought up how he was sad for me for a period of about five minutes when he heard the news and then it hit him that he didn't need to be sad because he knows me and "she got off the train...". I think I almost teared up. My cup runneth over indeed....

Thanks to everyone for the emails, comments here and facebook messages. Know that I could feel the love and support halfway around the world and that means so much to me.

I will try and get pictures up ASAP!

All my love from 35,000 feet in the air on my way home to the people I care about!

- Justin

P.s. A special thanks to Kyle Clift for dropping everything and meeting me in Spain for seven amazing days. It takes a truly amazing person to do that and I will be forever indebted to you my friend. It felt good to lean on you for a while.

Update

Hello!

So much to update on and so little time. Coming to you from a new hostel after having to cancel a credit card that was lost, but no charges were made so all is good. Kyle and I have been having a blast. We took a train to Stiges which is about 45 minutes away and spent the afternoon with some nice young ladies we met at the hostel. Bread, cheese, wine in a small Spanish town = win.

Last night we went to a Barcelona match here with 98,000 of our best friends and moved down to really good seats. amazing time and stdium...



Today we are about to go to the city park and relax a bit. cant wait!



Hope everyone is doing well, we are still having a blast!

love,

justin

Checking in

"And we were dreamin' like the end was not in sight
And we dreamed all afternoon
We asked the world to wait so we could celebrate...a gringo honeymoon..."


Hello!

sorry for the lack of punctuation, i dont understand this spanish keyboard.

all is well so far, it is 6pm here on monday and we are in a new hostel very close to everything here in downtown barcelona. it´s raining out today so we bought a few bottles of wine, some cheese, ham and fresh bread for a nice little afternoon meal. we also went to the museum of modern art and i was a little underwhelmed, but by now you probably know me and art dont mix all that well.

so far i have:

-participated in a riot after a barcelona match
-walked in the mediterranean sea
-drank wine and ate paella on the port of barcelona while watching the sunset (great picture by the way)
-went out until 6am with seven of the nicest portugeese guys ill ever meet ("justin" chant at 5am was captured on video, ask to see that one)
-ate clams, oysters and raw shrimp
-had the time of my life

overall this has been an amazing time and place, i have so many awesome stories and pictures that i hope to share with everyone. this trip has been such great timing for me on so many levels. the new sights and people i have met and seen have really given me such a great perspective! tomorrow we are taking a train to a small spanish town to spend the day at the beach, drink wine (shocking i know) and wander around the countryside. im in heaven.

I love and miss you all, but know that i am in a great place.

love,

justin

Barcelona bound!

"Your heart�s on the loose
You rolled them seven�s with nothing lose
And this ain�t no place for the weary kind..."

Greetings from New York City! I am about two hours away from boarding my flight. Surrounded by a bunch of people who don't speak any English, this will be interesting! We have two nights at a Barcelona hostel booked for Sat/Sun. From what I can tell it looks to be in a really cool part of the city and plus I hear those are great ways to meet people. True to word, all I packed was a backpack and nothing else (besides a sweet satchel for my digital camera, thanks Ted!). Super excited and nervous. The nerves stem from my first true venture outside of my comfort zone.

To all my friends in family in Mexico, keep smiling and have a blast. Don't waste any sad thoughts on me, I'm doing ok! I love y'all and can't wait to tell you all about my trip as well as hear about yours.

I'll leave with a line from a book by Michael J Fox "Always Looking Up: The Adventures of an Incurable Optimist."

Upon seeing himself in the mirror (with severe Parkinsons) "I would ask the obvious question, 'what are you smiling about?,' but I already know the answer: "It just gets better from here."

All my love!

Justin

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow."

Happy Friday and one more day closer to Spain for me! I leave next Friday at 8am. Kyle will already be there and from there we do not have much planned other than spending some time in Valencia which is a few hour train ride up the coast. I don't think I have ever rode a train before, it will be my own little trip to Hogworts. I can't really put into words how excited/nervous I am for this trip!!

With all the other stuff going on, I am still waiting to hear back from the bank as to what my options are for the house. I would like to stay there I think and already have a pretty great possible roommate lined up so hopefully that works out. If not, I will just work through it, cut my losses and start over fresh. Today was actually supposed to my the day we got legally married so send some strong thoughts over my way if you don't mind!

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life..."

Cheers to new beginnings,

Justin

Good day...

"Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement."

Really busy but great day today. Felt great at work and had my first therapy session which as awesome. Followed that up with a great session at the gym and a super healthy dinner.

First, the therapist was awesome and I can't wait to go back next week. We had a great conversations getting to know each other and why I was there etc. The questions she asked and the answers I said surprised even myself, but in a really good way. I felt a lot better when I left.

From there I went and got destroyed at the gym. Felt great.

All the best,

Justin

(Sorry, posted this from my phone).

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

Short post today as I am running into work! I just wanted to let everyone know that I am doing ok. Last week was my "go crazy" week with my friends and now this week it is on to the actual normalcy of my situation. I'm not sad though, but rather very excited at the opportunities in front of me. I go to my first therapy session tomorrow and I am very hopeful and excited for that. Through this entire experience, I want to make sure that I am keeping my end goal of becoming a much better person and man in my sights. When I look back on this time in one, three or five years I have to know that I didn't wallow in the moment or sink down lower but that I addressed this situation and my own faults head on and became the person I know I can be. Last week showed me how easy it could be to go down a bad path....

"All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy."

Leaving for Spain on the 9th! Woohoo!!!!!

Love you all!

Justin

Ups and downs...

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live."

I went with two quotes that address how I am and have been feeling today. Let's deal with the crap first. I've been talking with a lot of people about what I am going to do with my house so that has been a very somber cloud hanging over my head. Deep down, the uncertainty of potential financial ramifications and penalties really wears on me because I have always tried to be frugal with money and conservative with how I approach spending it. Now in a matter a weeks, it seems like all that could be for naught. Oh well, like the quotes above say, I need to embrace those fears, doubts and uncertainties as a man and work through them. I told my ex that I would spend the rest of my life proving her wrong when she doubted I could ever be a real man so what better chance to begin than now? It would all just be empty words if I bowed to this now. I will always view being told that by the one I loved as a true watershed moment in my life. Words that I will be so much better off for dispelling. :)

On to the good stuff because it is much more fun to talk about and puts me in a better mood....
I should be booking my flight to Barcelona, Spain tomorrow!

If all goes as planned, I will be leaving April 9th and returning April 17th. I really have no plans other than to meet one of my best friends, Kyle Clift at the airport when I arrive. The two of us in Spain/anywhere else in Europe that our travels might take us is an awesome thought. It's strange to think that I have never really allowed myself to travel before. Looking back, I think it was more of a 'don't want to get out of my comfort zone' feeling more than anything else. However, there is no better time than the present to break those old stereotypes about myself.

Lastly, I am now fully certified to begin my hospice work which is a really cool feeling. All I am waiting on now is the first call/email saying there is a patient requesting company. Just being in the room sharing experiences with the social worker already makes me excited to start helping in any possible way. My journey to being a better friend, family member and overall human being is just beginning.

Thanks again for reading....

Cheers to new beginnings,

Justin

Moving forward with a purpose....

"One act of beneficence, one act of real usefulness, is worth all the abstract sentiment in the world."

So...exciting news. Based on the suggestion of a friend and coworker I have decided to volunteer for Harbor Hospice of Austin. Essentially, I will be meeting with terminally ill patients who have only a few days, weeks or months left to live and providing companionship to them by talking with them, reading to them and generally just helping them be comfortable as they live out their last days. I'm super scared and excited. I'm scared because this is a very powerful thing to be seeing a person pass away but I am very excited because I know in my heart that I have many good qualities and if I can help one person feel like they are not alone at the end, then it will all be worth it. The nurse who spoke to us today said he often goes home and cries when a patient passes away because you allow yourself to get close with them. The thought of that is very humbling.

http://www.harborhospice.com/

I have also decided to look into group 'divorce' therapy as an outlet to work through my feelings in a supportive and constructive manner rather than a destructive way. One thing I talked about in training tonight was how I felt like I had to be very strong for everyone else when Troy passed away. In doing so, I think I failed to realize how helpful it could have been to lean on others more. I've made it a goal to look to people who can empathize with what I am going through and hopefully provide good insight on how to deal with all my feelings in a productive manner. I think that just sitting down with strangers who are hurt like I am and communicating my thoughts with them will be very healthy.

Thanks to everyone for the continued support and kind words. It means more to me than you will ever know.

Justin

"There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self."

A good quote that helps keep me motivated to really try and improve myself as much as possible everyday. Be it physically or mentally.

Physically, I've started really trying to get into better shape through classes, runs and even going to the gym a bit with coworkers. Eating healthier has also been a big help in how I feel and am able to approach each day. As I look back, I never really paid much attention to how I kept myself up and I see an absolute correlation between that indifference and how it seeped into other areas of my life.

Mentally, my biggest challenge right now as I mentioned in earlier posts is still being stuck 50/50 with wanting to stay close to Jo and knowing that it is best for me to give her the space she/we need to move on.

It's impossible to move forward with one foot always staying behind.

Cheers,

Justin

"Most people can look back over the years and identify a time and place at which their lives changed significantly. Whether by accident or design, these are the moments when, because of a readiness within us and a collaboration with events occurring around us, we are forced to seriously reappraise ourselves and the conditions under which we live and to make certain choices that will affect the rest of our lives."

A ton of exciting opportunities on the horizon that I would be happy to discuss with y'all and probably will because if you are reading this chances are you play a significant role in my life and I value your opinions, thoughts and experiences.

Right now, I seem to be in limbo, stuck desperately wanting to move forward, but very much mired in the little things that I still have to somehow clean up from what went wrong. It's crazy how swinging by a place that was your home a week ago to get a coat can trigger such a wave of emotion and seemingly throw you right back into a place you refuse to let yourself go. No one said this would be easy I suppose.

In moments like these you want to make your situation the cataclysmic event of world history because it feels so consuming...One thing that has helped me is to take a step back, look at the lives of my friends and families. I can always point out moments in their lives where their situation must of felt as sad and overwhelming as mine. From there I look at how amazing their lives have turned out in the present tense and feel a great deal of motivation and a sense of duty to keep my head up and push through this until I get to the good point I know is waiting for me.

Looking forward to a great weekend of hanging out with my friends, watching Texas baseball and taking steps forward.

Cheers,

Justin

Cheers to new beginnings....

"Then, without realizing it, you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day; of course, you achieve quite a lot in the course of time. Anyone can do this, it costs nothing and is certainly very helpful. Whoever doesn't know it must learn and find by experience that a quiet conscience makes one strong."

Here we go....